Well .. things are certainly starting to move for me ..

I have many paths that are now emerging .. and I wonder where each one will take me .. luckily for the moment .. I can travel on selective streams .. without having to make a choice of what I can do or what I cant do .. so for the moment .. life is bloody sweet ..

Here is a blog that i wrote to explain some of the reasons why I have started on my modelling route ..

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Ok .. went for my first ever "proper" photoshoot .. with a real life photographer .. and a most gorgeous model .. ie clover ..

I was so damned nervous .. was feeling quite sick by the time we arrived at the studio .. so glad Mounters gave me a lift .. I was able to try and relax in His car .. chatting with clover about her experiences as a model etc .. not that I will ever consider myself a model .. as I am doing this shoot for other reasons ..

I am an older woman .. and I consider myself a BBW .. so doing a shoot with someone .. ie .. clover who is 20 years younger than me .. and a petite wee thing .. was a little daunting to be honest .. as well as desperately hoping not to waste Mounters time and energy .. so I really did feel some pressure yesterday ..

But it was a fantastic way to spend the day .. they both were wonderful to work with .. given that I was a newbie .. and not quite sure of myself either .. they gave me so many tips and tricks .. I was buzzing all night long .. did not get much sleep .. as I was still musing over the days events ..

It was a most surreal experience .. and one that I would not have missed for the world ..

The reasons behind me doing this shoot .. in quite this way .. are twofold really ..

1) .. I suffer from acute self esteem and self confidence issues .. and struggle with them .. they are not the "on-the-surface" ones .. they are deep and subconscious ones ..

I am a confident extravert alpha female .. so some would say I do not lack self confidence .. but mine is more a body loathing lack of self confidence .. since I was about 17 .. I have had enormous breasts .. I went from a size AA to a DD in less than 2 months .. I started my periods very late .. I was almost 17 .. and therefore .. could not handle the attention that I started to get .. did not have the tools built up over the years to deal with it all .. so I hid .. I hid myself under baggy clothes .. and made my own clothes .. they were wacky and way out .. and completely zany .. more so .. as they hid me as a person inside them .. so that I could become a camelion .. and simply hide my true self behind my wacky clothes .. hence I became a fashion designer to hide myself behind .. and it worked .. it worked for many many years .. until I discovered the Lifestyle 18 months ago ..

it was indeed a cathartic experience .. talking to someone who could see through my intelligent arguments about why I covered myself up .. and why I felt the need to camoflage myself .. and then the realisation that I was being ordered to wear clothes that showed off my figure .. and my legs etc .. that was hard .. a very hard thing to get my head around .. as I had always been very careful about how much flesh I displayed .. my then Master ordered me to get a cam .. and to go into chat rooms on cam .. now that was also a very distressing experience .. He did that to show me how others perceive me .. how others view me .. and how others actually like me .. something that I had a big problem with .. as I did not understand why anyone would want to be my friend .. let alone anything more ..

I have moved on from that .. and I am now very comfortable in wearing revealing clothes .. but .. taking photos of me .. in those clothes . .that is a completely different story .. I have always been shy of photos .. not quite sure how to hold a pose .. or a facial expression ..

I have been doing lots of my own self portraits recently to better understand how my face changes every second .. and which expressions look good on a photo ..

Hence me doing this next exercise in my discovery of my inner self .. and allowing me to begin the process of learning about my body .. in a photographic environment ..

2) .. I have a extensive wardrobe of garments that I have designed and made for my size .. which is another reason for me forcing myself to do this and other photoshoots .. to document those garments .. as well as deal with my internal issues ..

So .. this is the start of my photographic journey .. I hope Y/you will enjoy it .. as I hope I will .. who knows where it will end up .. I simply have no idea myself .. but I am an inquisitive girly .. so we shall see .. what we shall see .. wont we .. *chuckling* ..

phoenix .. November 2009 ..